Special News: Life Update, Art Update

Hi everyone! I hope you don’t mind, but I would like to take a moment to share some amazing things that have been happening and a bit about my personal life.

For family and friends reading this, you know most of this already so stop worrying about what I am about to say.

TL;DR - Life is good. See the last few paragraphs for the important stuff.

Honey at the Ashton Gallery displaying their new piece, “Life’s Confetti: Chill Pills”

Art has always been my escape and the only thing that makes my heart sing. When reflecting on art in general, I remember and feel the impact of being creative as a child, having my grandparents teach me how to crochet, knit, do paper crafts, and sew. It reminds me of the joy that I had growing up doodling, drawing elaborate drawings of medieval castles or dream homes, and the sense of accomplishment I felt during art classes.

At some point in my life, my focus shifted from enjoying the arts to seeing them as a secondary hobby. While I always would be told and say that happiness isn’t about money, it is tough to grow up and not dream about living lavishly, having a great paying job, and living the perfect life. Throughout high school and college, being creative was something I had to do in private or when I had nothing else going on in my life. School took priority, followed by work, followed by relaxation. Time for creativity was never on my schedule.

This continued into adulthood after college. They say you cannot plan out your life, but when you are diagnosed with anxiety, depression, OCD, and PTSD, it's hard not to find comfort and solace in knowing what is going to happen. I put all of my stock into work, aiming to become a financially comfortable millennial as soon as possible.  I moved to another state with my best friend, met my husband, and bought a house with him in a matter of nine months.  To me, that was a success.

It is funny how quickly you can burn out when you aren’t listening to your heart.  After years of working, adulting, and ignoring my passions, I collapsed into depression and exhaustion.  I would hold myself together during work hours only to degrade into an emotional and erratic mess after hours. After several intense breakdowns, I began to shut down. 

I distinctly remember the point in my life when I knew I had to follow my heart, passions, and happiness. I was well into my emotional era when I watched a video about how the world’s bee population was in steady decline, predicting their extinction in the near future.  I broke down crying. I was unstable for days.  How could the world be so ignorant of how important bees are? How could no one care about the implications of their actions on other living things?  Why was I so emotionally devastated by an insect? What was wrong with me? This moment brought a dual realization for me that 1- things that matter to me the most are not material, and 2- I needed help.

I started therapy. I started antidepression medications.  I began to do things that made me happy.  This wasn’t (and still isn’t) a catch-all solution.  I still often fell into depressive, lazy episodes, but this time I knew why and how to get out of them.  I had to get myself into being productive and in a positive headspace.  This rekindled my love for creativity. 

Starting with sewing, then quilting, relearning how to knit and crochet, then finally picking up traditional fine arts, I slowly was able to find myself again. I gained an appreciation for the importance of creative outlets in my life and was able to realize that life is not about how hard you work.  Life is better when you live it the way you want to live it. 

So where does this lead me? Well, after many years of wanting to take a leap of faith, I finally did…actually, I took several leaps of faith. 

With the support of my family and friends, I started first on a spiritual/emotional journey to find what values were important to me.  This led to establishing new boundaries between myself and others, but also within my own thoughts.  I established dominance in my mind over my negative thinking.  I reached back into my philosophical mind and tried to rationally break down the meanings of life. Eventually realizing that was too big of a job, I accepted that some things in life I had to acknowledge were not going to be answered.  Some things, like the future, are uncertain and we are not supposed to know it.  Life is special and it is pointlessly arrogant to assume any of us have control over how our futures will play out with exact precision.  I have had my mind opened to the idea of acceptance and this has made me more emotionally, physically, and mentally stable than ever before.

The next important journey I had to take was understanding the importance of my health and self-image.  I had struggled with weight for years, slowly gaining more and more pounds until I felt disgusting.  I was having health issues, not sleeping well, verging on diabetes, and had high cholesterol before the age of 30.  I reached a “new record weight” (as I tried to spin it into a positive) of 285 pounds.  I didn’t look like myself, feel like myself, or feel comfortable with my health prognosis at the rate I was going.  After a few years of struggle and many horrible diets (none of which worked), I began the process of scheduling weight loss surgery.  Through this, I learned that I have unique gene mutations that are synonymous with disorders where the patient does not ever feel full when they are eating.  On reflection, I understood that this might be why I was having such trouble dieting since as far back as I can remember, I have only ever felt full when the food was gone.  I started to wonder and then understand that having no more food on my plate or the table was a social cue that triggered fullness for me.  Fullness wasn’t a physical sensation.  This was my aha moment that I needed to make this surgery happen and make my life change immediately.  After all, if I couldn’t tell my body or mind that I was full, how could I live a healthy lifestyle?

I had my weight loss surgery on January 16, 2024.  I began my pre-surgery, extremely strict diet the day after Christmas at a weight of 260 pounds.   As of today, April 13, 2024, I can proudly say that I am close to my goal weight and down to 190 pounds.  While this is a feat to appreciate, I have valued even more the physical and mental changes that this weight loss has brought me.  I feel good, I look good, and I am so happy with my body for the first time in my life.

So what is my point?  Well, after becoming physically, mentally, and emotionally comfortable, I knew I had to make this last.  I returned to my passion for art and started painting.  I joined the art community on Twitch, posted works in progress on Reddit for critique, and started to mingle in the art community.  I started to understand that good art is subjective and though I had often thought my art to be sub-par, others might love it.  To be completely transparent, I know that I am not Van Gogh or DaVinci.  I know that I have a lot of work to do to find my style, to perfect my craft, and establish my roots.  This doesn’t mean that I cannot and should not share my work with the world.

In March, I started my Etsy store.  The store had prints and fun merchandise of a few of my art pieces from over the years.  I had some success, mostly from friends and family (you the real MVPs), but started to become more comfortable marketing myself as an artist.  I transitioned my store to this website and started to develop a game plan on how I wanted to proceed.  Most importantly, I started searching locally for artists, artist development, and galleries. 

One day, I stumbled upon a call for artists at a local gallery, the Ashton Gallery.  The call for artists announced that a planned exhibit was planned for April and May with submissions open for works from local artists.  The theme of the exhibit was “Confetti” with an emphasis on what brings happiness.  I saw this as a good way to put myself on a schedule, produce some art with the help of the prompt, and just get my feet wet in the art world. 

After about a month of painting, the submission process, and waiting, I received the email.  My art was accepted into the gallery.  I was at a loss when I got the email.  I am so honored to have been chosen and understand how this is not the normal trajectory of new artists. 

Today was the opening of the gallery.  We attended, not knowing what to expect.  After roaming the halls of the gallery, I found my piece and was instantly filled with accomplishment.  I took a few photos with the piece and felt so proud of myself for the first time in a long time.

For those of you that have made it this far, I thank you. The photo above represents someone who has come from deep depression, misguided thoughts, and physical/mental unhealthiness to finding themselves, bettering themselves, and loving themselves.  I did this through art.  Art provided me with an outlet, a distraction, and a quiet place for myself to listen to my heart.  Looking back at my honeybee breakdown, I would not be where I am today if I did not go through those lows in my life.  Taking the name “HoneyBee” is an homage to the bees. It is my way of acknowledging the past, accepting the future, and embracing the journey.

I write this as a love letter to creativity and life.

Love you all!

HoneyBee